On November 24, 2021, I faced one of the oldest and the biggest fears of my life. An EXAM for teaching and research in Economics. I didn’t cry and I didn’t give up till the end. Attempted every question till the end without missing a single one unlike the earlier times. “Aren’t you closer to retirement age now!”, exclaimed a friend who thinks we are all approaching the retirement age as we in our early 40s. While retirement is not something that crossed my mind, I did feel like being one of the oldest among 20 something-year-old boys and girls fresh out of college looking for opportunities in teaching and research just like me except with an advantage of being younger than me.
Being younger seems like an advantage as fresh graduates can easily cram names, dates, mnemonics, theories and assumptions unlike the older me who feels the need to overanalyze and overthink. Though I do have more chips on my shoulder with real-life experiences as an Econometrician/Statistician, Entrepreneur and a Writer, fresh graduates haven’t yet seen my world and don’t know the bitter truth about it.
I swallowed my pride and the sense of knowing-it-all-entitlement while my fat ego intermittently encouraged me to accept mediocrity every now and then. I put my head down, signed up for some online classes, listened to all younger-than-me teachers, prepared notes and revised for 11 whole months till there were papers and charts of all shapes and sizes stuck on the walls of my office-home like I was solving a criminal investigation. Then, on November 24, 2021 despite all odds, which have mostly been weather changes, stress and hormonal disturbances inside my body, I got down out of my flat, took a 15-minute rickshaw ride to the centre and walked inside the maze of a corporate park along with other fellow test applicants to take the UGC-NET test in Economics for teaching and research.
The centre was a spectacle! At the entrance we had to check for our seating arrangement consisting of four LABS. I was directed to LAB 2 according to the board and my fellow test applicants quietly walked along with me passing all boards showing directions to LAB 2. The path turned left and then right and then an inclined left like a maze. There were already many applicants standing in a line like it was meant to be a first-basis seating arrangement. I didn’t join the queue and found a place to sit far away from the queue. My hot flashes had begun that developed sweat patches along my neck, chest, arm pits, ears and forehead. It felt like an endless sweat as I kept wiping myself with my favourite cotton scarf I had got after a trek in Kashmir. 10 minutes into wiping and I was still feeling warmer than earlier. I checked out the other ladies who sat calmly beside me reading some notes and heard some other young girls standing in the line and talking about their trip from Thane station to the centre. That somehow calmed me down but not for long. Soon, we were instructed to walk inside the LABS without our belongings except for the halt ticket, ID and stationary.
LAB 2 was a long and a wide room full of computers in the basement of the building. There were no windows and fans didn’t work. There were air conditioners which looked so old that it triggered more hot flashes in me. “Attempting the test in discomfort with frequent hot flashes is not a good sign”, I thought. After a quick registration by the attendants who fed our details in the system along with the instantly clicked photos, we were told to sit wherever the computers worked.
I was led by some attendants to a computer at the end of that claustrophobic room. Some of the test applicants beside me looked cluelessly at me while I sat in front of one of the computers and fed my roll number to login. I also helped another girl to feed her login details, calmly but as I returned to my computer a lady behind me who was probably older than me turned out to be an economist herself. It was her very 1st attempt and was extremely chatty. That triggered more hot flashes than usual and I began fidgeting with a table fan attached to the wall hoping that it would begin. Unfortunately, the fan didn’t work and I frantically raised my hand to ask an attendant to shift my place. She quickly okayed my concern after seeing my sweaty face and kurti. But the next computer didn’t work and I quietly moved to another one right in front of an AC.
While the confusion on seating arrangements for incoming test applicants continued, the attendants hastily instructed us to begin the test. I forgot about my hot flashes but also forgot everything I had studied. I think I blanked out while attempting the 1st question itself in Paper I that was common for all applicants. After five minutes into the 2nd question, I regained my senses with gradually paced breathes, just like I pace my steps on any inclined hike on the mountains when trekking. One question after another, I began solving, calculating, arguing in my head and completely immersed myself in the test while also keeping a track of time. I flagged questions that were harder and moved on. I had planned to spend only 60 minutes for Paper I and the remaining 120 minutes for Paper II which was Economics. As soon as it was time, I switched to solving questions in Paper II which somehow seemed easier than Paper I. My breathing had calmed down completely and I cared less about the hot flashes and everything else around me. It was a battle of wits between me and the questions on the computer. I kept calm and solved one question after another realizing that I was much more prepared for Economics unlike the earlier attempts. A smile drew on my face while answering every question and I finished Paper II 10 minutes before the test ended. Promptly, I moved my cursor to Paper I and tried attempting the tough questions I had left for review. Now, I was panicking and couldn’t think or solve or calculate. I made wild guesses and completed all questions till it was time and the test ended on its own.
It was done!
I attempted all questions and my preparations felt worth the attempt. I didn’t give up till the end and I didn’t get bored or unmotivated, unlike all the earlier 4-5 attempts I had made since 2013. This time it felt like all my senses, energy and enthusiasm had contributed to the completion of the test. That night after so many sleepless nights, I slept like a log for more than 8 hours without waking up in sweats.
I felt relieved that I was able to face this fear of a competitive exam which I have been trying to succeed at since 2013. The 1st few times I went unprepared only for the experience of attempting paper-based multiple choice questions’ tests. This became computerized over the years and my 1st experience on the computer was last year in 2020 which I couldn’t complete and I wasn’t prepared for. I was reflecting on the reasons for not going prepared for the exam in earlier attempts. I had spent most of my time earning money, gaining work experience in the real world and carrying emotional baggage from relationships and unresolved conflicts. I had to go through a soul-searching, ego-breaking exercise through trekking and travelling for regaining all the lost confidence over a period of time. Not that it has made me immune to emotional baggage and stress, but attempting this test was the first step taken to return to the real world and face all my fears one by one or simultaneously or any way it comes in my path. This test attempt has revealed that it only takes gradual pacing of breathes to calmly move ahead in the real world. But, when there is less time to finish the test, one can only rely on guesses and chances.
And I’m ok with that!
to Mcleodganj since the Olympics in 2008”, she continued. “Tibetans (from China-controlled Tibet) cannot relate to Hindi-movies-loving and cricket-following Indians. And, so many have migrated to US, Canada or Australia, but those abroad-settled Tibetans do not know anything about our struggle for Free Tibet”, she said in despair. At the hotel, we came across many articles, pictures/posters and videos on Tibetans’ struggle for a ‘Free Tibet’, before and after 1959. And just when our manager talked about it again we stumbled upon a disheartening fact that Tibetans and the Tibetan government were in exile and lived like refugees in Mcleodganj!
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